It happened. My strength has run out. I hit bottom today. I'm not sure if I have a shovel with me to go lower.
Billy Jo had a third bout of massive diarrhea last night after my blog post. I called the on-call hospice nurse and was told that we should get her some pedialyte. That stuff has an aftertaste that makes her nauseous and she was already feeling that, so we settled on Gatorade. She sipped a little Gatorade but I know it wasn't going to be enough to combat the loss of fluids three bouts of the runs causes, especially when she's only drinking about one bottle of water a day at most. So now she's even more dehydrated now than before which will bring problems of their own.
I finally got my headache under control shortly thereafter by using a heated neck pillow and taking a Vicodin. I was out cold by 9. At 12:45 Billy Jo was up to go to the bathroom, so she took her 1am methadone. At 7am she got up to let Wrigley out and took her methadone. I didn't wake up until after 9. That means I slept for 12 hours with little time awake in that period. Thankfully I remember none of the dreams. This was about the highlight of my day.
Billy Jo was not looking too well as she slept this morning. There was a lot more chatter and confusion in her sleep. I laid there, paralyzed from getting out of bed and going downstairs to "avoid" this as I have in the past. I was paralyzed by grief. Instead of going downstairs I moved closer to her. Real close. Laid my head on her pillow. All the talking in her sleep, the strange texture her skin is turning, the myoclonic jerks, the icy coldness of her hands - so cold they felt dead - despite her saying she wasn't cold at all... all these things are so much terribly worse when you're right next to her and not simply on the other side of the king size bed.
This is ripping me apart. The grieving won't stop. I've lost all interest in anything but this process. Many times over the years my humor was helping me cope - I don't have it today. My OCD is on full force. I'm consumed by this. The medications are not helping.
I rarely tweet anything but blog post links. Today, I felt like tweeting one word - Despair. I settled on "this is killing me".
I should have stuck with "despair". I'm hopeless. I just want this to be over. I just prayed one-on-one to God for the first time in 15 years. If there's a higher being - a God, I don't want a miracle - I know we are past that. I want him to end this suffering for her (and therefore for me) as quickly as possible. I know I will grieve afterwards as well, but I think (hope) it will be a different type of grief, followed by some sort of healing. Healing is impossible right now. Healing hasn't been possible at all for 17 years. It's just been varying levels of grief- barely there to full-tilt.
Erin was over today at 3pm for our weekly session (great timing as usual- she seems to be here when I'm at my lows) and earned her money today because I'm a fucking mess. Billy Jo was semi-awake during the visit. Erin got it out of me - that I prayed for this to be over and also felt guilt about it. I had to tell my wife, who I have spent years doing everything I can to protect and help her, that I am praying she dies quickly now that it seems there's no turning back. I made it clear that I am not saying "would you hurry up already?" No, it's the farthest thing from that, but still...how in the everloving fuck can one simultaneously want complete health (aka the farthest thing from death)... and death for a loved one? Believe me, you have no idea how hard it was to say. I hope none of you ever have an idea.
Billy Jo understands how I feel and in no way holds it against me. This was quite a relief. Now I only hope everyone else who loves Billy Jo can forgive me for these thoughts as well. Especially her mom. Please know that I mean it in no other way but in love and caring, and I am not holding in my thoughts and feelings anymore, no matter how fucking awful they may seem. I am sorry.
Erin brought me some more reading material. This was one of the sheets. She shared it with me after about 30 minutes today. You can guess where she pointed where I was on the illustration (click to enlarge).
Yup, that's me down there in despair. What a strange coincidence that I'd see that word staring at me when a few hours earlier I wanted to type it on Twitter. The sad thing is that I can't start that climb up until she passes away. I was reminded I may get up on the right and end up back down where I am now, but I am hoping that the way out will be much clearer than it is now. It will be easier, I think, because the only way up this time is by the hardest path- one of death.
Erin left and shortly thereafter Billy Jo complained of stomach pains. She had another massive bout of diarrhea. As I typed this blog entry, she had another one. They are draining her and I don't know what's causing it. That's five times in 27 hours, with no food in days.
She is still looking forward to going to the movies tomorrow with her friends. I really hope she can make it. I have the wheelchair ready to go and the handicapped parking placard out of her truck. Everyone please just hope and pray for four good hours for her. While she is there I have a doctor appointment- I hope he's got an hour marked off for me.
Also, Wrigley is up to her asshole in elk antlers. Yesterday our friend Tracy brought one so big that you could beat someone unconscious with it. It was so big that as Wrigley was bringing it to her bed she banged it off the wall. She said a bunch of people chipped in so thank you all. Then today there was a UPS package addressed to Wrigley on the front porch. In it were three more elk antlers and a note from our friend TJ's... dogs :). TJ lives across the street from Dan & Tanya but is originally from Australia.
She's quite a famous comedienne in Australia, the UK, and other parts, going by the name Jenny Talia from Australia. We saw her live a few years ago along with her father Kevin Bloody Wilson, another comedian - they're hilarious. TJ is on tour in the UK right now and posted this on her blog a few weeks ago - it was very touching. Billy Jo and I watched it several times in a row.
Finally, you may have gotten an error earlier today that this site had been suspended. It turns out that the whole month's worth of bandwidth traffic was used up halfway through it. Amazing. Three months ago this site wouldn't use a month's worth of bandwidth in a year and now it takes 15 days. They gave me a temporary boost and I signed up for a new plan with unlimited bandwidth. Now I just have to figure out how to move everything over there with as little disruption as possible.
This was a two hour post, thinking, typing, thinking, writing. So that's it for tonight - thanks for reading.