New pains, sleep, and more.
Yes I am running slightly late on the update tonight. My apologies - I was determined to finish the slideshow tonight and I think Billy Jo and I agree it's done. Clocks in at 31+ minutes, and has 290 slides containing over 300 pictures and 10 songs. It took at least 50 hours over three weeks to finish and is somehow 865MB in size. I am quite glad this was done ahead of time - no way could I do this type of thing between her death and the services. Those of you have seen it at one time or another got the preview. It will now sit on my laptop and on Dropbox, not to be reopened until I have to fill in a date on the first slide and play it for its intended purpose. I realize not all of you will be able to attend the services, so after it is over I will figure a way to share a link to it here. Youtube will most likely not allow it - I'm sure at least one of the record companies of those ten songs will pitch a fit. Also, I don't even know if I can upload a 31 minute video to there. Eh, I'll figure it out later.
In yesterday's entry I wondered if finishing it would be wise or not - so far I am thinking it was. I'm proud of the work and love I put into it, but now I must stop. It's taken a lot of time, energy, and most importantly, emotion to get to this point. It's better for me, and therefore Billy Jo (as she's stuck with me) if I give my emotions a break, at least in the audio/visual department. I've looked at these pictures over and over, I've heard the songs over and over, trying to get everything to line up just so, and I never know if it's going to be the "happy memories" feeling, or the "impending loss, grief, anger, sadness, and anxiety" type.
Billy Jo has been in bed all day but awake since about 1:30pm. She's got a new pain in her back, bad enough to hit the button a few times last night and today. Right now she's got the puke bucket next to her trying to fend off some nauseousness.
I slept a dreamless sleep last night. Slept right through the 7am alarm for her meds - she got up and got them. I got up at 7:30 to take care of a few things for work and was back asleep quickly. I woke up at almost noon. I slept more last night than in the last 3 or 4 combined. I didn't shake off the majority of my feelings from yesterday with that sleep, but I needed it just the same.
I went shopping this afternoon. Yes, we have plenty of friends who offer to do this, and we thank them, but I needed to get out of the house for an hour, even if it was just to go to Petco and Target. To try and have a "life is perfectly normal" feeling. Result: it helped, but not *that* well. Yes, I bought vitamins. No, I'm not going to start spending to kill the pain and end up on the 2014 season of Hoarders. I bought just the things we needed - toilet paper, kleenex, cat food, cat litter, milk (Nov. 25th for those of you "long-time" readers), etc.
About the only unnecessary item I bought today was for Wrigley, who has really been bummed out lately. Probably of the "The humans are sleeping an awful lot more, mom is sick, the weather is crappy, I'm not getting to stay outside as long, etc. etc." variety. Well, Petco is selling Elk antlers now. Wrigley LOVES elk antlers, but they are expensive as hell. A small piece (well, small in my opinion) is $20 and Wrigley is a strong chewer who can kill one in a couple of days, so she doesn't get them very often. Yeah, well, fuck it. Wrigley deserved a Piece o' Elk and she got it today. She was quite excited to get it and is currently putting a hurting on that thing as I type this post.
Billy Jo's nausea has passed and she's asleep again. Would I classify this as a good day? A bad day? I guess I'd say somewhere in between, and we'll have to take it.
Here's hoping I get another good (or at least empty) night's sleep.
*edited to add* Two months ago right now, same time (9/12 10pm) I was getting dressed to take Billy Jo to the ER, oblivious to the hell that lay ahead. Feels like five years ago.