Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Rough day

Not so much in a physical sense for Billy Jo (at least not yet). She got up at 8:00 again, or more like tried to. She had such a full day yesterday that she just didn't have the energy to stay awake this morning no matter how much she wanted to. She was up and down for awhile and was able to get up to say goodbye to Auntie Julie. Mom had the idea yesterday that since she lives so close to Midway that she would take her to the airport, which helps me tremendously. I'm very tired. I can't shake it. More on that below. Anyway, it was understandably very hard for Billy Jo to say goodbye to Aunt Julie. We watched them back out of the driveway and leave and then had some tears together. It's times like this that really make it so hard.

Billy Jo is asleep again and I pretty much think the only time she'll wake up today is when it's time for meds. This is fine with me - she really was a champ yesterday and gave it her all to stay up for the visit. She needs to rest.

Now, on to me.

I'm not doing good today. I've had trouble sleeping the past few days. Today the anxious pit in my stomach began before sunrise. I am exhausted, I am sad, I feel quite depressed. Nothing in particular has triggered this - I think it's just the mounting stress of everything. This has naturally been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. I've been running on who knows what to keep me going, and whatever it is has taken today off. I know I have to shake this quickly because I have to be strong for Billy Jo. I don't know how to stop this today. I took a couple Xanax before starting to write this, but I don't know if it's enough.

Watching the woman I love, my best friend, waste away is really taking its toll on me. Cancer is so fucking relentless it can even physically affect those without it. As I said a few days ago, I'm losing weight. Yesterday was a headache and upset stomach. Today is more stomach issues. I felt so hungry after giving Billy Jo her 1am medication that I felt like I lost five pounds overnight. Eating a cereal bar helped a bit but also made me nauseous. I refuse to weigh myself for another week - I don't need to obsess about this. I'm still eating, just not a lot. I know I have to keep eating to maintain the physical strength needed to do what I need to do to care for Billy Jo - I just don't feel like it most of the time. Debbie and Julie got on me to start taking vitamins again since my eating is sporadic and not full of fruits and veggies. I will get some tomorrow.

Lately, when I am able to really and truly sleep, my dreams are working against me. In my dreams, she still has cancer but it is the cancer of the past. The "always a problem, never the end" type we grew accustomed to for all these years.. We are going on vacations, she's back at work, we spend days off shopping for stuff we don't really need, and so on. Then I wake up and am thrust back into reality. Hell, since I typed the post about "Anticipatory Grief" four or five days ago, I've felt less and less of that and more of this, this, whatever it's called. I can explain away dreams related to anticipatory grief, however I cannot explain "these",  other than denial prying it's way into my sleep because I won't allow it consciously anymore. All I know is it fucking sucks.

I've taken a break from reading books about coping, dying, hospice and the like. I'm currently reading a novel to try and clear my mind. It's hard to keep focused, however. Hell, our DVR is piling up with shows we watched every week in the past but haven't since the new TV season started. We can't focus long enough to get involved in anything long term. Well, Billy Jo simply can't focus or can't stay awake long enough. I can't seem to focus on anything but taking care of her, doing what I can for work, working on the slideshow, and writing this blog. I'm not adding anything to the book - these blog posts will have to play a big part in it for some time.

Part of me really wants to get the slideshow completed. I've invested a lot of time and emotion into it, and this must be of a finite amount as well. The other part of me thinks that when it is completed then everything will be in place and there will be nothing "to do" except wait for her to die. Yes, of course I know that means quality time I can spend with her, but keep in mind the creation of this slideshow has most definitely been considered quality time for us. Such a conundrum. As it stand right now I still have a minimum of a few hours to go on it, and zero energy to do so today.

I could really use a bike ride but the weather is not cooperating, and even if it does I don't think I have the strength to do it.

So there you have it, two Xanax led to an hour-long post about the train wreck that is currently yours truly. Do I feel better for typing it all out? Was it the therapy I've needed and received whenever I turn to this blog and the blank slate it provides me every day? Right now? No. Hopefully it helps me feel better later today or tomorrow.

I still know it's better than keeping it all in, so all is not lost. I'm not giving up on this blog. It's become more than just "us". It has helped people deal with Billy Jo's ordeal as well as helped people in their own ways- relationships, coping with a loved one of their own battling a terminal illness, not holding in emotions, etc. Additionally, it may quite literally shape how I live the rest of my life. Keeping all this in would be certain disaster after Billy Jo passes. At least this gives me a fighting chance to have a happy rest of my life -to be able to function and move on.

Wow, another 1,000+ worder. Thanks for reading through to this point (assuming you have).

I'm going to take another two Xanax and try to get some sleep. I'm shutting off the phones. If you were planning on coming over today, we will have to reschedule.

Finally, I beg this brain of mine to give me a fucking break for the next few hours. I beg of it.