Troubled waters

Billy Jo had a so-so day to begin with, that I could see was going slowly downhill. She's just in a lot of discomfort. Her bowels are still making monster noises, but aren't producing a thing. We had another full day of guests, which was good, and not ten minutes after the last ones left, she tried to eat her first bite of food of the day (besides tea and chocolate milk) and immediately threw all the day's liquids up. She's developing a bad gag reflex now - I only hope she's still able to get her oral meds down.

I've had a rough few days. My wall of strength is made of sandstone and it's eroding away at a slow pace. Not a "knocking bricks down" pace like when she had those string of good days and hope was creeping in, but eroding nonetheless.

This morning I woke up after a fitful night of sleep and spent three hours going through 30,000 digital pictures dating back to late 2000, in order to get a slideshow prepared for the funeral. It's another thing I want done so I don't have to do it after she passes. I don't know if I'll be in any shape to do so at that point. I have 200 picked out. I have to find all the pre-digital era pics and start scanning soon as well.

It was a simultaneously happy and gut-wrenchingly sad process. Happy memories followed by sadness that there wouldn't be years more of them. I was drained by the end of the three hours.

One paragraph into this post, I paused and had a long talk with Billy Jo. It was another day for me to cry. It's been a few weeks but today it was once again time. I'm worried about how I am going to react to her passing. As I put it to her, I have had a main purpose in my life the past 17 years - to make sure I did everything I could to help her during her fight with cancer, suffering with her, not physically but emotionally and mentally. Now that is coming to an end. Will I feel like a rudderless ship once she is gone? (I really couldn't think up a title today until the post was done) Will I feel an enormous relief? If I do feel relief, will I feel guilty about it? She told me she hopes more than anything that I feel relief. I hope I do, because that's what she wants. It's what I want as well - I just hope I don't feel bad about it.