Keeping this one short

Well that or it will turn into unintelligible mush.  I am 100% sick.  I thought my good sleep the past two nights would have beaten this beast back but it doesn't seem to be the case.  What follows will be the writings of someone under the influence of Cherry Vanilla Swirl NyQuil.  Yes, it has alcohol in it, and yes I will stop at one, because it's fucking disgusting.  There will be no "Red Drank" party tonight.  I am fully confident in my ability to control my alcohol intake on this day. I still cannot find words to express how grateful we are to everyone for all the help they have given or offered.  I feel bad that when someone asks if there's something they can do, I can't think of anything.

The meal trains are great.  We don't have to worry about cooking and the food is delicious.  It's also good because if you ask us what we want to eat, neither of us can answer you, but if you bring us something, we eat it and it's exactly what we wanted to have,

I had a neighbor help me switch the pub table and dining room table today.  The chairs on the dining room table are easier for Billy Jo to get in and out of.  Of course, she was willing to help me move that heavy shit, but I have to put my foot down at some point.

Family and friends stopped by throughout the day, which was very nice.

Billy Jo was feeling "ok" for most of the day- but the lymphedema in her leg is really painful.  I wish there was something more I could do for her.  The good thing is that she's asking for the painkillers even if she knows she'll get drowsy.

As you could see from her update today - yes she FINALLY pooped.  Not a lot, but enough to be considered normal.  This doesn't really change much, but at least it may give her some added relief.

 

This morning I awoke at 5:30am to make sure she had her next dose of methadone.  I went downstairs to watch some TV - to clear my head.  As I walked past the table I saw the Hospice folder laying there.  I've been putting off reading the contents of that folder for four days now.  I know I should, since I have stated before that I'm accepting the fact that Billy Jo will die, but I'm scared shitless about how bad/how long it will be.  No one can guess the time frame we are looking at, but as long as she's the Billy Jo we love and her pain is under control then I hope it's a long time.  My worst fear is that the cancer that tried to kill her for 17 years and finally has the chance will now decide to make it slow and painful - the cruel motherfucker it is.

Back to the folder - I'm scared shitless of what will happen and yet there's a booklet explaining what to expect with dying - a guide for the caregiver.  For some reason I can't pick this booklet up.  I've read the legal packet, the FAQs, the information about their Hospice center... I've read it all except for that booklet.  Why have I not read this yet?  Don't I want to know?  Isn't that what I am afraid of the most?  I have no answer to these questions at this time.  It's almost like a sense of  opening pandora's box, not an informational booklet.

 

On a separate note, I am not exactly sure how to read stats on websites, as I never really thought many people read the ramblings of a guy's bike rides as he prepared for RAGBRAI, but I decide to look today.  I'm not sure what it all means, but in the last 13 days there's been

2434 unique visitors 6529 visits 23173 page views 242908 hits

All I know is I do not know 2,434 people.  This thing has taken off and I'm very proud of that.  I've read a few posts on Facebook telling me how I helped someone with my writing.  That makes this so much more worth it.  My goal began as the easiest way to let people know of her health updates.  Then I went home that single night to do laundry and added what my thoughts, feelings, and fears are to it.  I no longer held it all in, on the grandest scale I could imagine.  It was therapeutic.  and now... now some teenage boys in pain due to the loss of their father to cancer, some teenage boys I may never meet, read my words and decided it WAS ok to open up and talk about their feelings.  They didn't wait until they were 41 and miserable to do it.

Blown away is what I am.  Honored.  Billy Jo has always been "special" - always loving, caring, going above and beyond, etc. etc.  I've been more one of those people that blend into the background.  I'm not used to being as special as Billy Jo, and god damn does it feel good :).

 

That's it.  Sorry for the misleading title.