Since I have been home from Florida I have been doing very good. Like I said last week, it's what Billy Jo wanted of me and it is in my best interest do so. I have my moments but they are not crippling. They are small pangs of sadness or missing her that pass almost as quickly as they appear.
It is because of this that I have not called the Hospice Home to schedule the one-on-one counseling that is available to me. To be honest I wanted to stay with Erin, and she is not on the bereavement side of things there. I knew that before-hand but it didn't make it any easier. Add that to me doing well and going to the bereavement groups and workshops, and I just didn't see the point.
As if my mind was being read, I received a phone call Tuesday from a bereavement counselor there. She is also the counselor who facilitates the young adult spouse loss group. She asked if I wanted to do one-on-one counseling. I spoke with her about 30 minutes and we decided I'd see how I do until the April group meeting and go from there.
Well, I gave it more thought since hanging up the phone. These services are available to me, and I think it would be wise to take advantage of them, no matter how good I *think* I'm doing. I'm not saying I'm not doing well, but if there's a small chance I just happen to be sailing the widest river of denial ever, on a slowly leaking boat, I'd rather find that out now than much later when such levels of professional support may not be available to me.
I may be asked questions in these sessions that may awake something which hurts, and hurts bad. Again, I'd rather a professional find these issues (if they exist) now, so I can face them and get through them. I've never really truly experienced death before, not to this level, and certainly not with a spouse. I am going blind at this... no idea what waits ahead.
If I have fear of anything in the world right now, it's that something like this could happen and I will find myself ill-prepared to deal with it, having squandered an opportunity to do so. I don't want to think I'm good for a long period of time only to regress into who knows what.
Additionally, there's some things I may not feel comfortable talking about in a group setting that I may feel more comfortable talking about one-on-one. Everyone grieves in their own way. No way is right or wrong. However, in some cases, especially with those who lose someone suddenly, I may be doing better than they are. After all, I had plenty of grieving leading up to Billy Jo's death. My feelings and concerns may be on a totally different level than them, and when it's 1.5 to 2 hours once a month where people can let things out, I feel like the time would be better spent on other matters.
Again, I'm not saying this will happen, but I can't rule it out. At the very least I get nothing out of it (highly doubtful in any case), at most it saves me from a future hell. So I am being proactive and moving forward. I called and left a message yesterday to see about getting in quicker than the end of April.
The first one is paraphrased. It's mostly from Albert Einstein (but he wasn't smart enough to finish it so I helped him ;) )...
Life is like riding a bicycle. In order to keep your balance you have to keep moving forward, even if it's an inch at a time.
The second one is from former entrepreneur and New England Patriots owner Victor Kiam...
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
I don't see this as falling on my face. If anything, I have gotten myself up a very steep hill but one that isn't over yet because I cannot yet see the summit. This is more like trying to avoid rolling back down and ending up on my ass.
Note: I wrote some of this last night and some this morning. Before posting I heard back and have an appointment scheduled.