Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Separation anxiety and other updates.

My fears of how Wrigley would be after five months of not being alone have finally happened. Earlier this week I'd come home and the power strip that would sit between the night stand and the wall was pulled out into the center of the floor. Wednesday I reorganized the stuff, stuffed it under the nightstand, and moved on. 

Yesterday I got home after work it was back in the center of the floor and there was fun-sized portions of the cords to my alarm clock and a charging cable strewn about. Ugh.

The lamp cord was untouched, so i pushed it all the way back under and stuffed a giant pillow in the space between the night stand and wall to dissuade her. I then went to a bereavement workshop. I was gone just under three hours. The pillow was removed and the power strip was pulled out again. The lamp cord had been started on. Maybe my return at 9:15 stooped her. Still, it will need to be repaired and taped up.

She also removed the pet gate from the doorway leading into the office. This is NOT an easy task. She had to pull to get it out. not push. Thankfully nothing in there was touched.

I have been having to go outside to get her every morning. When I tell her to come inside now, she just stops in her tracks and shakes.

She was due for a vaccination next week but I am going to try and get in today after work for a vet visit. I hope she doesn't need to go on prozac. I like her personality and don't want to fuck with it. Maybe I'll ask about those thunder shirts things. I know for sure that long, cold walks will now be a daily event. She is not wearing herself out enough in the yard.

Shadow comes home Sunday. I hope this and the walks really help. 

Last night was the first of weekly bereavement workshops at the Hospice home. It was quite crowded for the first half. That's when everyone but the kids/teens are in one room. They played a video form the late 90s that was ordinary people speaking about the loss of their child or spouse as well as a few authors/counselors explaining grieving.

Most of the people in the video had lost a child, but there was an elderly lady whose husband had passed away of Lou Gehrigs disease. 

At one point she said how she was doing better than she expected do (like me) and people had told her to enjoy it while it lasts. Exactly my worry... that I have an unforseen meltdown headed my way that will hit me like running into a brick wall. 

I should also add there was probably 30 different articles and handouts there. One of the articles discussed "grief bursts", and one of the counselors in the video did as well. This is what I have been worrying about. The counselor said that they may or may not happen and it is how you react to them that matters. They also said that no one grieves the same and that I should not feel the guilt (and I have been, a little) about my progress. That progress is doing exactly what your departed loved one would want.

The second half divided into groups, where I found myself back with the young spouse group. Again, I won't discuss anything in detail. I will discuss what I said though.

No one wanted to start talking at first so I did. I joked about keeping it much shorter than last week, when I talked for way way too long, and that lightened the mood a bit. I brought up my worrying about doing so well, the inevitable future grief bursts and worrying about how I was going to get through it, and how I I would try my best not to worry about things that were unknown and out of my control.

We talked about trigger dates and how that was my last really bad day (her bday) and the next one is coming up April 25th (our anniversary). My birthday is quickly after that and then I am in the clear on dates/holidays for some time.

At the end they put us all back in the room and had us do some meditation/breathing/relaxation exercises. I was less exhausted after this meeting than last week. It was still emotional but not of the draining and exhausting type.

Before I knew about this four week workshop I had made plans for next week so I won't be there. I am going to Milwaukee with one of my friends from all the way back to 2nd grade. I introduced her to Slightly Stoopid a few months ago and she is hooked. She was originally going to go to next Saturday's concert with us but can't make it, so she talked me into going to Milwaukee with her. I got the OK to take some personal time and come in late to work on Friday, she's paying and driving, and I get to see my favorite band twice in three nights. Hard to say no to that :)

I will definitely be at the last two though, as well as the monthly meetings. Even though I am doing well so far, I still need the support of those who can relate.