Beacon of Light
I've realized something the past few days.
I was a mid-strung guy a lot of my life until Billy Jo was told she was dying. LOTS of road rage, impatience, getting angry at stupid shit, boycotting companies for years because they "did me wrong" - and man... I could hold a grudge.
But since that day, September 26th, aside from her dying process and then her dying, absolutely nothing has been worth me getting worked up over anymore. OK... one semi truck tried to kill Brian and I in Kentucky on the way home and I raged like a motherfucker for 20 seconds or so, but besides that... ;)
I don't need stress anymore. I had it for 17 years. Even during the "good" times during Billy Jo's illness the stress of knowing the next blood test would be bad was always there. The anger, sadness, and hopelessness I felt while she was dealing with something so long at such a young age was always there.
I don't need negative energy - it's not good for my health or well being. This realization has been a beacon of hope emerging from a time of absolute darkness - and I hope it's not temporary. I am quite saddened that Billy Jo had to die for me to truly realize what is and is not important in life, but I intend to keep learning from it, and not let this "gift" go to waste. Life is too short to do anything otherwise.
I mean, if you told me six months ago that I wouldn't be able to see her reef lowered into the ocean because of high seas I would have flipped my lid. Instead, I was slightly disappointed, but we improvised, and it was beautiful. There was no need to get worked up over something that was out of anyone's control.
Even when things happen now that are in someone's control, they don't phase me like they used to. It's not worth the effort. Over-reacting, through all these years of my teenage and adult life, has almost never helped me feel better.
Yes, I miss Billy Jo. Yes, I feel alone in this house. Yes, I have just completed my first week living by myself in my life, but I am making great strides towards acceptance and embracement of these and other things as they come.
When someone you love goes through what she did at the end of her life, everything in comparison is small stuff, and I am going to not sweat the small stuff, hopefully ever again.
Excuse my new-agey-ness, but this might be my Zen.