Hopeful for no more suffering

Billy Jo rested peacefully most of the day. There were a few moments, and a couple of times valium was administered IV to get her calmed back down. The nurses are surprised she's up at all. She is on major doses of meds now.

I noticed today that her breathing pattern has changed dramatically - no more two deep breaths high in the chest followed by long periods of nothing. Now they are very shallow and have a more regular rhythm and seem to be coming from the abdomen instead.

Five minutes ago, as she was up and agitated, I pressed the nurse button to get her here for the valium. She asked where she was. I told her. I told her I had to get her here because she was suffering so much at home I couldn't help her there and had to make sure she didn't suffer anymore. I asked her if she was ok with that and she whispered a simple "yes" and gave me a hug. I've been released of my promise, even though I was ok with not being so.

Lena brought Wrigley over to visit. I think it'll be the last time. She was pretty good, barking only a few times, but the head bitch in charge with the problem with Wrigley (and me, I'm sure) will be back Monday morning and I don't want the drama. Besides, Billy Jo had no reaction to her being there. Even a lick on the face and a paw in a tumor had no reaction. Still, it gave Wrigley one last chance to lay down with her momma. It had been days, as we had to have the rails up on both sides of the bed for most of the week due to Billy Jo trying to get out

In one of Billy Jo's last "episodes" at home, she demanded that I give her Tinkerbell. She kept pointing on top of the dresser at this stuffed bear in a prayer pose. To calm her down, that has become Tinkerbell. In between Tinkerbell's praying arms I placed the pill bottle with the hummingbird feather in it from her Uncle Rich. Perfect fit. She's had "Tinkerbell" in her arms the entire day :

I'm ok today. For the first time in a week I've been ok all day. I am still very tired, and will be going to sleep soon. With the nurses coming in and out my sleep is in segments, plus the hell of this last week will probably take three or four weeks to recover from. Shit, it's not over yet - I better sleep while I can.