Breaking point

Yet another "this looks like it's it" night.

Yet another sleepless night.

Yet another rebound. This morning around 1:30am it seemed we were minutes away. Fever, mottling, the shallowest breaths imaginable, unreadable blood pressure...

Everything rebounded again. Her breathing is more labored but much much more frequent than at 1:30. I "slept" in a regular chair next to her until 6, so about 45 minutes total. Her breathing almost seems like it's on a ventilator. Oh, how I wish this were so, because this would all be over in a second.

I don't have anything left in my tank at all after this most recent "near-end". I'm out of crying, I'm out of the energy to cry, I'm out of energy in general, I'm out of hope, I'm out of faith, I'm out of everything. I am an emotional wasteland.

"The end is coming, you know it is" is what I'm constantly told. Bullshit. There's no reason for me to think that will ever happen.

I am seriously contemplating going home and not coming back until it's over. It's going to be a tough choice, as the decision I make will be with me forrever. 

Which is more important, being here until the end for her, or my sanity and health for the rest of my life? If I go home, am I giving up on her? Running away at the last minute? Abandoning her? If I stay, do I risk never being able to climb out of this valley of despair? Do I risk my health further? I've been eating regularly (read:more than granola bars) the entire eight days we have been here. Full meals. Snacks in between. Yet when I went home yesterday I discovered I had lost another four pounds. My eyes seem to be sinking into my skull. I feel nauseous at least half the day, every day.

These are the thoughts going through my head this morning. Thoughts fueled by lack of sleep and lack of hope. Total fucking helplessness.

I guess I'll stay here a while and try and sleep on it, and make a decision later, despite the fact that I want to go right now more than anything and am literally fighting the urge to run away as I type this.