Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Music to soothe the pain.

Well, it appears Billy Jo couldn't give two shits about it being 12/12/12. She's basically stable.

She looks very comfortable, and I am so happy for that. I just wish it hadn't taken the drastic measure of terminal sedation to get to this. Oh how much nicer (?) a slow, lucid, steady decline would have been... I was forced into a choice between agitation/psychosis and, well... coma.

There is no indications she is hearing us anymore. No hand squeezes, no eyebrow raises, no kiss reflex at all. I am convinced her spirit left her body at 10:30pm Monday night when I had that weird feeling.

Now, I don't know what to think. I don't even know if talking to her is doing any good anymore.

I napped again and it was a good one. I actually felt zombie-less for a few hours. I am hoping to knock myself the fuck out with meds and try for another 8-12 hours. I'm even going to try and not wake up when the nurses come in and do their thing. I'm definitely not going to get up and check to see if she's passed, as I know what the answer to that will be. Hopefully just dreamless, rest-filled sleep.

I had a friend gift me an iTunes album today, The Morning After the Night Before by the band James.  I listened to some of the songs before I napped and they are relatable. I'm finding a lot of solace in music lately. I had not listened to much the past few years, opting for podcasts and "shock jock" radio. I'm back to music. Even as shitty as some of these songs make me feel right now, and want to burst into tears - it's like they are in my head and made for me.

The James album gets a full listen tomorrow, but for today, here's two songs that I've been listening to a lot lately. 

First, Release Me by Pearl Jam. Yes I know it was about a father but I just substitute 

The next one a friend put on my Facebook wall and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've heard it many many times. I had a flashback to driving Billy Jo home from the hospital to begin Hospice at the end of September. This song was playing when I flipped out and had a panic attack at the stop light at the intersection of Eola and New York Street. A panic attack she helped me calm down from.

I can listen to it without panic attacks now.  I just need to get over that hill.

That's it for tonight. I hope I sleep.