Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Impromptu grief stage change

Not much to report on Billy Jo's status from this morning.  She has a slight fever, her pulse is in the low 60s, the rattle has still not returned. There's a little mottling, she looks gray in places, but overall she has been stable.

Now for the shocker... remember back in this post I mentioned that the doctor said "don't hold him to it but he was thinking 7-10 days"? That was 8 days ago. Today I found out he meant "don't hold him to it- it'll probably be sooner." I thought he meant it the other way. He seemed surprised she is still with us. He called her "one tough girl" today.

Everyone is in agreement - she's in the final stage, it's just a matter of when it will happen. We've been told several things of what may happen next - it's just WHEN that remains unknown.

I had a session with two other social workers today. Erin came in and tried to wake me up this morning but I was out cold. So I met with the other two. They're concerned for me. I look like shit. Well, I look like more shit than usual. I feel like shit. We discussed the hell of early this morning.

We discussed how I forgive Joliet Hospice for last week and how they have earned my trust back since Friday. Anger phase #whatever is over.

We discussed how I feel like I'm in a Stephen King novel. I think I pissed off an old gypsy woman and she touched me and whispered a curse of "your wife will never be at peace and as a result, neither will you". A bit longer of a title than "Thinner" but you get the point ;) .

We discussed how I feel like this is now some horror or sci-fi shit, where this tumor is so advanced that it has become the brain of Billy Jo, forcing her heart to continue feeding it the blood it needs to grow.

I am one fucked up dude right now.

They asked what they could do to make things better for me. I told them there was nothing anyone, save one person, could do for me to make things better. I need to begin to heal. Billy Jo needs to finally be at rest. I can't do what I need to until Billy Jo does what she needs to.

Anyway, I've barely been away from this place for four days. Maybe 20 minutes total. So I decided I'd take my 30% Kohls coupon and go buy my suit for the funeral. Yeah a bike ride may have been more therapeutic but it's 35 degrees. Fuck that.

So I roamed around trying to pick out a suit. I found one I liked. Then I went for dress shoes. I hate playing dress up. Anyway, as I was trying on shoes, I started tearing up. It struck me that I never went to Kohls without Billy Jo. This was the first time. What an asshole I must have looked like - "Is that guy crying because those shoes are too big?"

So the rest of the day I have been back in the sadness stage of grieving. Triggered by a department store. Got a hell of a deal on the suit and shoes, though.

Then I went and got my haircut. Debated getting a massage next door at Massage Envy but what the fuck good would that do? Release my stress for 20 minutes before it came right back? Fuck that - what a waste of money it would be.

I hope I get some sleep tonight.