When words cannot prepare...
I don't care how many books I've read, how many websites I've browsed, how many pamphlets from hospice I've gone through...
Nothing prepares you for the "death rattle". It is going to haunt me for a long time. I don't know what to do. I've turned on Netflix on my iPad and turned up the volume to try and muffle it. I am charging my headphones in preparation for when I try to go to sleep tonight.
Off and on all day, it's been "on" for hours now. I have been assured time and time again by several nurses here that it isn't of any discomfort to her, but god damn I hope they're right.
Today marks 14 days without water and (pretty much) 21 without food. I don't know how she's hanging on. Hell, I don't know how I'm hanging on.
She just received a bath. My sister Sue walked in just as they finished dressing her but before they had elevated her head. The rattle is 100x worse when she's laying flat. Sue was hysterical - like I said, nothing at all can prepare you for it.
I sure hope my bluetooth headphone batteries last the night or I'm fucked.