Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Difficult situations

I've had quite a few people contact me lately, feeling terrible and apologizing for not visiting or not "being there" for me/us. The common reason is that they want to remember Billy Jo as she was and not as she is.

To those people who have contacted me about it, I have already replied to you directly. To those who are thinking about it - I'm about to let you off the hook.

I understand. I'm not going to forgive you because it is a matter that doesn't require forgiveness, in my opinion.

Hell, I'd like to think I'd still be coming around if I had a choice in the matter, but I don't know that for sure. All I know is I don't have a choice in the matter, and I do not mean for that to sound bitter. I belong nowhere else but by her side until the end. It is my duty as her husband.

Most of you have jobs, many of you live far away from us. After all, we're the ones that moved all the way out here - it wasn't the other way around. Many of you continually ask what you can do for me/us, and I simply do not have an answer, other than hope (and pray if you do that) she is at total peace very very soon.

I want you to know that we have not been abandoned, nor do we feel it - there is still a strong core of help I can count on. We are not alone. I am eternally grateful for that.

I also understand the hesitation or flat out refusal to visit because you don't know what to say. Hell, I hate going to wakes and funerals because I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry" seems so cliché but most of the time I lack any other words. I don't know the suffering and grief the family is feeling - everyone is different. I can't say "I know what you are going through", because I don't.

Note: I am not saying to not say "I'm sorry" to me at the wake because if there's nothing else you can come up with (like I always can't), I don't want us awkwardly staring at each other for a minute or two. I know what you mean :) 

At this point, Billy Jo is essentially in a coma. Maybe not medically speaking, but comparatively speaking. While they say that hearing is the last sense to go, her appearance is that of one at peace, but also one of death very very close by.

If you visit now, know that she currently looks worse than she will at the wake, but can still hear what you are saying. If you do not visit - please do not beat yourself up about it - I understand, and you know damn well she'd understand.