Hey dude, get out of my pants.

So it's 7:30pm and I have survived twelve hours without 24/7 nursing care for Billy Jo.

And yes, Billy Jo has survived twelve hours of me caring for her in her declining state.

I changed her, I moved her, I gave her her meds, everything i needed to do. A CNA came and bathed her, and the hospice nurse changed her port needle and the dilaudid cartridge.

She got really fidgety and confused as the Ativan wore off, and I had a bit of trouble with that situation but it never was out of control. I couldn't give her more because her breaths were at 4 per minute, and need to be at 7. The minute they hit 7 I gave her another dose.

I expected this to knock her out, and it did for a little bit. I expected several hours - like until midnight or so. All of the sudden she's up, awake, smiling, laughing about something...really having a grand ol' time. Brian, Lauren form Billy Jo's work, and I were fortunate enough to be able to be part of this. She was giggling, called Brian a fucking jerk with a smile on her face, and was having fun. Drugged fun, no doubt, but fun. 

The title of today's post is the exact words Billy Jo said to me during this happy time as I checked her for wetness. Fuck. Turned down by my wife one last time. What the fuck? I wasn't even wasted! 

I was again drawn back to the booklet that hospice provided me (what seems like a thousand years ago). This fifteen minutes was so unlike her the last week that I immediately thought "here's the burst of energy right before the end".

As if on cue, her breaths per minute dropped to a new low - two.  I couldn't believe it. Lauren had me check a few minutes later. The third breath began right at the 60 second mark. These are new lows, and if they continue that way I may have trouble later with the administering of Ativan. It could mean her body is finally starting to let go, but on the other hand, I just checked as I type and it was 7, so who knows.

I'm going to keep this one short. I'm hungry and haven't eaten most of the day, and I believe a Villa Nova pizza is gonna be here in 15 minutes.