Wednesday Post

Creative title, huh? There's more where that came from.

What to write about today? Let's see - Billy Jo has been completely out of it all day. Her moments of pain are very brief. She smiled once while we were adjusting her. It is normally an (increasingly) painful procedure, but it just so happened Wrigley saw an opportunity to sneak in and give her a sloppy kiss on the lips. It was adorable. 

The massage therapist Patti came out and while there was no way to give Billy Jo a massage now without causing a lot of pain, she did craniosacral therapy...Billy Jo didn't need to move at all. Patti simply laid her hands on various places on her head &/or chest/heart, but its very soothing to the patient. She seemed relaxed afterwards. It was also good to talk with Patti during it. She's awesome.

Other than that I've again only lost composure for a minute or two. She had a coughing fit. Readjusting her higher took care of that. Still, it was a "new" thing and its unexpectedness caught me off-guard. 

We are certain to have continued nurse care through 8am Friday. After that it will most likely revert back to me. I'll be ok, and several people have offered help when I need it - and I plan on taking it. Billy Jo is pretty stable, all things considered. Methadone is being dissolved and given through an eyedropper but even that is becoming impossible, so the next step is rectally. I will learn from the nurses how to do this properly before they leave. There's a good chance the liquid depakote will stop soon as well. It's too hard to get down and she hates the taste. At this point a migraine seems very unlikely, and we still have the dilaudid and Ativan in the rare case one appears. She is really so out of it she may never even feel a migraine. We'll see after tomorrow's pow-wow what the game plan is.

Oh yeah, last night Billy Jo freaked me the fuck out. So I am brushing my teeth, leaning against the bathroom door jamb, watching Billy Jo sleep. I finish brushing, take a piss, wash my hands, and walk back into the bedroom to find her sitting on the edge of the bed with her feet on the ground. I screamed "fuck!" and ran over to her. I asked her what she was doing and she said "you said we could go to the beach"

How the fuck did she do that in 30 seconds? I'm picturing some Paranormal Activity type shit. I had to talk her back into laying down for her own safety. Her legs cannot support her now. Getting her back down took us well over a minute due to her pain. Still, I have no idea where that came from. The nurse gave her more ativan so that stops the restlessness. Thankfully her breaths per minute were over six at the time so she could get it.

...

I am so out of touch with the outside world that I had no idea Powerball is $550 Million. Holy shit. What else have I missed? Is the middle east still there? What are gas prices? Did the NHL end their stupid fucking pissing match? On the other hand, I did allow the rays of the sun to hit me today, on my 45 foot walk to the mailbox. See? I'm not a recluse :)

Seriously, I know people are telling me to get out of the house, even for an hour. I just can't seem to. I can leave the room, but I don't really feel the need to go anywhere far. I'm keeping my mind busy. I did some stuff for work and then realized it's the 28th of the month and I haven't paid any of *our* bills in over two weeks so doing that took a few hours. Hey - GMAC doesn't give a fuck if you're dying of cancer - "you pay that fucking mortgage!  And please pay no mind that we (GMAC mortgage) are bankrupt and can't pay our own fucking bills. PAY US." 

What else...

Oh yeah - I've been stressing about two things concerning having "everything in order" once Billy Jo passes away. First - I don't own a suit. Well, I own a couple, but not of the dark, funeral-y variety. And they probably don't fit anymore anyway. Our friend Tracy has already bought me a teal shirt, and I bought this tie which should be here in a few days. I figure I'll need something do occupy my time and mind between her passing and the wake so that's when I'll go get the suit.

Second thing - and this one is a biggie. I know it's traditional after a funeral (in this case a memorial service) to have a luncheon. I work with a guy who owns a catering company and his food is awesome and was going to have him do something, but I don't know how to plan for something like this. I don't know what, where, or how many, and I'm freaking out about it. So, I've decided to do something different. 

I have decided there won't be a luncheon after the memorial service. Instead, we will do something Billy Jo would really like - a party/catered BBQ in the summer, outdoors somewhere. This way I can get an accurate count of people attending, and besides... she always loved a good summer party - what better way to honor and remember her?  I cannot chance getting too much / not enough food and having it in a place too big / not big enough.

That's it for tonight. I planned on it being a short post but I guess today's nap gave me more energy  to type.

I leave you with another "is this the best dog in the world or what?" picture. It also shows all of you that Billy Jo is at least resting peacefully.