Updates for Sunday

{Going with the one thread during the day approach again}

7:45am Quiet, almost peaceful night, all things considered. She seemed quite still and comfortable all night.. no loud and angry bowel sounds, almost no myoclonic jerking at all, no vomiting, black or otherwise. Either that or I was so exhausted that I didn't notice any of it.

Her breathing varies from regular, to none for 30 seconds, to somewhere in between. It just depends on when I listen. She is having more difficulty swallowing water, but still trying and succeeding. She spoke to me in a whisper when I gave her her 7am meds. Only a few words, but all coherent.

I am so thankful they got us off that four hour Ativan schedule. I feel a little less tired today than the past few days. I slept pretty well and was asleep again soon after giving her her 1am meds - something I sometimes have trouble accomplishing,  

The pastor called again last night for a status update and during our conversation, he stressed the need for me to allow someone else to step in and be caretaker once in awhile. I told him I know I should be doing this but cannot. It's not that I don't trust family and friends to take care of Billy Jo - of course they will - it's that I don't think I could truly rest without the total responsibility of caring for my wife being in my hands. I am going to try and work through that problem on my own so there's a plan in place if I reach complete physical breakdown.

Erin said on Friday (and our friend Lisa brought it up last night as well) that sometimes people wait to die until they are alone. Billy Jo could pass away as quickly as me going to take a bathroom break or going to get her meds prepared. She can also go while I sleep. I understand this and accept it and am prepared for it. 

OK that's all for now.

11:00am A CNA came out and helped me get her changed - she's too weak to get out of bed. Lisa came over a while ago too. We've been talking to Billy Jo in her sleep - telling her it's ok to let go.

 A nurse called and asked if I wanted a special visit. I do - just to check her vitals.

The shape of her abdomen is changing seemingly by the hour. It looks like the scene from Alien now. It is crushing my heart, my soul, my entire being to look at it.

To everyone coming to visit today- you are welcome. Please understand I have to put some strict rules in place. I will be spending the entire day upstairs with her. People may come up no more than two at a time for ten minutes. Everyone can rotate as long as they wish. Yesterday was too much and she's worse today than yesterday so I don't want to cause her any more distress. You are welcome to stay as long as you want downstairs.

Thank you.