Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Interrupted Updates

I tried for hours to update the Sunday thread. I didn't stand a chance.

Here's a new one. Happiness followed by absolute misery.

1:45pm After several hours of non-responsiveness, Billy Jo heard me say the word "turkey". She quietly asked me for some turkey and her stepdad's famous stuffing. I gave her a few very small bites of each and her mom and I cherished that moment like it was the moon landing. She ate a quarter-ounce of Thanksgiving dinner and we could tell it made her day. It's the first joy I have seen on her face in days. We will treasure it forever.

After that I got her up and in the commode chair, cleaned her up again, put her in a new shirt and she's back in bed. She was very wobbly and disorientated while awake, but she made it.

2:15pm As I finished typing that, she told me she needed help. She had a loose BM. Surprisingly I manned up and made it though without puking. I get her cleaned up and she said BATHROOM NOW. I told her commode and she yelled NO. I got her there as quick as I could and she had a massive diarrhea attack.

2:45pm She had another one. We couldn't get her anywhere in time. 

3:15pm Again.

At this point I needed the nurse here ASAP. She got here and assessed the situation. Vitals are still good, believe it or not. Her breaths are lower than normal, and there's indications in her feet that her circulatory system is starting to fail. Other than that heart and lungs are good.

This is hell on earth. My usual worst-case scenario OCD worry-wort brain underestimated Billy Jo's final days by a wide margin. I actually was weighing the possibility of doing 25-to-life to help my wife stop suffering. I'm not going to do that, as the most disappointed person would be her. Not that I killed her, but rather that I threw away the rest of my life to spare her a few more days of pain. 

I told the nurse there's no way we are going to the Hospice Home.  She said she got 24 hour nurse care approved temporarily if I wanted it. I broke down in tears and relented. It's the best for Billy Jo and for me. There will be a nurse here any minute and they will do 12-hour shifts as long as symptoms persist. This means more diarrhea, more pain, difficulty breathing, etc.

She also told me that she's so young that it's hard to predict how long this suffering will last, but when I told her another six weeks of this would literally kill me, she told me it wouldn't be that long. She was thinking two weeks at the most, but things can change really fast.

It was another day of holding her hand, telling her I love her, that she's not alone, that she can let go... everything I can think of to get this brave brave woman to peace.

The nurse is here.