The (somewhat) relaxed mind writeth more.
OK, Mama Noll is safely tucked in bed next to Billy Jo. Well, odds are Wrigley is in the middle, but you know what I mean.
I took some medicine and came downstairs to listen to some music on my headphones while watching Discovery ID with the sound down.. Don't judge me - it's soothing. :)
Now I find my laptop back in my lap. Obviously my head wants me to write about something. Maybe I should write it for the book instead.
Eh, fuck it. Here goes.
I am very confused and scared of the next few days and weeks. Today proved that. I think I may be overreacting. Some of you have told me that I am simply reacting. Whatever it is, I am likely causing undue stress on some people, including myself. To defend myself from such self-accusations, I also counter that I have so little experience with dying that I am quite literally learning on the job, and that job is for my best friend.
I am very worried about Billy Jo suffering. For both of us. And there's no doubt she was today, but I wonder if I overreacted. To be honest, I'm glad I'm not sleeping in bed tonight. I'd probably hit the button all night without her knowledge. I just don't want my baby to hurt anymore.
There is NO question she is on a downward slide. I just am not sure how this will proceed. Will it happen really quick now or was this just a bad day? Or even worse, the opposite on both - just the beginning of increasingly bad days taking months. I'm scared of that. A lot. I know, I know - one day (hour) at a time.
I can't even say we are on a roller coaster anymore - more like a water slide where some of the parts are steeper than the others. And lined in vegetable oil. I think the last tall part of the track was her getting to get to that movie theater last Friday.
I posted these lyrics on Billy Jo's Facebook wall tonight:
Speaks truth. 30 some people like the post. It's the second verse of the song Collie Man by my favorite band Slightly Stoopid. If you're all hoity toity please pay no mind that the title and first verse are about a pot dealer. This band LOVES their weed. But they shouldn't be shrugged off simply for that. They are a very talented group.
Here's that song.
There's a shitload more on youtube - check them out. They are an important second part of my chilling process while out bike riding. The fact that they are kickass to their fans only makes me admire them more.
Ok enough for now. I needed to calm down tonight and thanks to my couch, meds, tunes, and some unsolved murder in Boise in 1974, I have done so.
No steep slide tomorrow please and thanks.