Pedal Another Mile

Bicycling, death, life after death.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Bad bad night. I think things may be speeding up. Maybe it's just me being paranoid and not sleeping for shit, but I don't think so.

Despite the increase in the meds, her pain is not under control. I needed to help her simply turn over onto her side in the middle of the night. She asked me numerous times to press the button for her, and since about 6am I've been hitting it every 15 minutes while she sleeps. I'm not even looking for signs of pain anymore to press it. It's just automatically every 15 minutes. Even so, whenever she wakes up, she's at least a 6 on the pain scale. The math says that she's getting 11mg/hour now.

We are burning through this cartridge of dilaudid at an alarming rate, so I called the nurse. They will be out this afternoon to change it. They will also have the ativan prescription too. Dosages may need to be upped again, because there's no fucking way I can hit that button every 15 minutes 24/7, as much as I want to be able to. That would require me to be non-human.

She's having trouble swallowing water now, as well. Momma Noll is on her way here with those sponge on a stick things.

The dog is freaking out. She's been sitting on my head for over an hour, shaking.

I'm very anxious. I'm very helpless. I'm very scared. The only thing I can do is push the button, and that doesn't even seem to help much.

I don't know if I am overreacting or not, but if I'm not, please let this be over quickly. She's suffered long enough.