Time flies when you're having fun

And I am :).

I cannot believe RAGBRAI is less than six weeks away. The weather this "spring" has been, well... shit. Way too wet, way too cool most days, way too windy. It had been two weeks since I even got on my bike, until Sunday the 3rd, when I did about about 24 miles, enough to put me over 1,000 miles for 2013. Saturday I did 44+. Add another 425ish for RAGBRAI and this means I'm just over 1,000 away from my goal of 2,500 for the year. That should be fairly easy unless winter starts in August this year.

What the majority of my rides look like. Wide open, nothing to block the wind, boring sometimes, but most importantly...no traffic

Getting back to RAGBRAI, I received my packet from them late last week:

I like the jersey quite a bit. I was afraid the pig from this year's logo would take up the whole front. It's quite subtle, though. Why a pig? Well, Iowa may be known for corn but it is the country's leading pork producer as well.

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 I am keeping VERY busy at work. This week will likely be the busiest of the entire year. Things should hopefully slow down in another 3-4 weeks. I don't mind how busy I am - it makes the work day fly by. 

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Outside of work things are going very well. I have settled into this new life fairly comfortably. I am stil going to the therapist at the hospice home, but I am only going once every four weeks. She doesn't see a reason for me to come any more often.  

I'm still enjoying cooking. I seem to be getting better at it too. I even went to a sushi class on Sunday the 3rd. I think I did okay - what I made looked good and tasted great! 

That's it for now!! I will try to not wait three weeks before my next post :) 

Thanks for sticking around and reading it! 

Panic, Running, and yet another reality check.

So it's been a while since I posted. Again, I'm not abandoning the blog, just would rather have quality over quantity :). Warning: I have been typing this over several sessions and now over a week plus of time. Lots of Dave pottymouth follows, at least in act one :)

Here's what's been going on since the last post:

The day after my last post I let Wrigley out at 4:45 like usual and began to get ready for work. At 5:10 or so I went out to get her (remember- I have had to drag her back in now... she knows in the morning I am leaving and refuses to listen). Well, there was no sign of her. I looked in the few hiding spots...nothing. Then I saw a giant hole under the fence and knew she was out. Zen Dave left the building. What the fuck was I going to do?!?!? I immediately got in the car, put out a desperate facebook post, and started driving around. A few friends drove over and started canvassing the neighborhood. My neighbor started posting pics to the lost dogs sites on facebook. At 6am. I am so thankful for the help I got that morning.

Anyway, after two hours of driving, walking, calling the PD non-emergency number, and posting full info to Lost Dogs Illinois, I began to shift to "fuck. she's gone and driving around ain't gonna find her and I need to start making posters and the animal control offices open at 10 and I have two counties to call and OH WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT HER?!?!?" mode. On the outside I think I appeared much better than I was on the inside. This fucking dog has gotten me through so many tough times, and thoughts began to creep into my mind... "how good you have been doing is REALLY going to be tested" ... "Is this the trigger that fucks me up?" I was not in a good place those few hours.

Just as I was going to call in the troops to thank them and to stop driving around aimlessly, my neighbor across the street backed out of his garage on his way to work. I haven't seen him in months. Certainly not since I left for Florida. He asked how I was doing and I told him that until that morning I was doing really good, and told him that Wrigley got out. He said he was going out the south exit of the subdivision and would keep an eye out. I thanked him but didn't hold out hope - I mean I walked miles, I drove miles, I had friends driving miles...no sign of her. So I decided to stop looking and start printing posters. Before I even had a chance to go inside, my neighbor was back, asking me if she was short, black, and with a white underbelly. I said yes. He said "get in. She's right down the block."

He drove me quite literally half a block and said she was walking down the sidewalk. There was no sign of her so I told him I'd get out and walk into people's yards. First yard I walked into, I saw her about 40 feet away. I called her, she looked at me, and ran right towards me. She was soaked and muddy but otherwise just fine.

Holy shit was that something I never want to experience again. I'm taking steps to make it much harder for her to dig her way out, and I decided to pay for peace of mind. Yes, Wrigley is sporting a GPS tracker on her collar now. Crisis averted. I am so thankful to my neighbors and friends who helped me at 6am on a Thursday, as well as everyone on Facebook sharing her pic.

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Saturday May 4th was the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition's annual walk (now with a a 5k run!) If you recall, I hate running but said I'd do it in an attempt to raise $250 for the NOCC. Well, I raised $255 (big thanks to everyone who donated!!!) so run I did.

I didn't pass out, I didn't puke, and I actually didn't do too bad time-wise. 27:37, and that included two pretty long stretches of walking as I tried to figure out why the oxygen I was inhaling wasn't doing anything ;). Anyway, I finished 72nd overall and 7th in the male 40-49 age group. Not too bad for someone who despises running :)

The event was a very good one. The weather, which wasn't looking too good early, really turned out well. It was great to spend the morning with family and friends. I look forward to next year's event. Not the run, which I am going to do again (but this time with ZERO training), but the overall day :)

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Now, for another shitty reality check. A friend of mine posted on Facebook that while he was out of town his wife passed away in her sleep at the age of 43. There was no warning this was going to happen - she had a complete physical in January and nothing was out of the ordinary. He is understandably devastated. I reached out to him and told him while I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse suddenly, I am here for him to help him any way I can. I know the importance of having someone who can relate to you in times like this. I believe that "my someone" is one of the top three reasons I am doing so well. I want to pay forward whatever I can. Brad - I am here for you whenever you need me. Sara - may you rest in peace... the one time we met was just an awesome evening and one I am glad happened. 

Everyone reading this... hug those you love. Don't let petty bullshit matter. Do not put off things you want to do or experience because you'll "get around to it." We have no guarantees in life or how long ours will be. Buddha gets credited with this quote all the time but apparently it is from author Jack Kornfield. It doesn't matter who said it, it's true:

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Lastly, my birthday was a few days ago. I am 42 now! I had a great day complete with awesome weather and a Blackhawks playoff win over the Red Wings.

Overall, I really feel great. I am happy, I am sleeping well, I rarely watch TV anymore (unless it's playoff hockey), I'm actually getting really good at cooking, I am maintaining my weight (something not easy for me to do - I usually either constantly lose or constantly gain). I may be 42 but I feel mid-20s, physically and mentally. Sure, I sometimes forget what I ate for dinner the night before but hey what can I do about that, right?

My bike riding is still going well, and I am over 900 miles for 2013. RAGBRAI is in 64 days. I'll be ready. That reminds me - I have to order a shitton of labels soon and get to work on printing them up for my bike. Please fill out the form if you want a friend or family member to ride with me.

So that's it for now. Next post will be, well... whenever :) Expect the RAGBRAI stuff to ramp up pretty soon. I will also soon be annoying and ask that you donate to SU2C. Even $5. All of the donations from the public go directly to research. My team has raised $12,902 since I started it 2 1/2 years ago. I'd like to hit $15,000 by the end of RAGBRAI on July 27th. Thanks to all who have made donations already - I never dreamed it would get to an amount this high. Team Pedal Another Mile is at #20 on the top fundraising teams for SU2C - that's quite an honor.

Okay, until next time - go live your life!!

Another fuckit list weekend and a RAGBRAI update

So Brian and I left his house at 7:30 Saturday morning for Nashville. I dropped him back off before 3:00 Sunday afternoon. In between was 1,000 miles of driving, nasty storms, dinner, a kickass concert, Waffle House, Brian having a nasty migraine Sunday morning, and me getting a speeding ticket 10 miles from dropping Brian off.

That's the cliff notes version. In short, take away Brian's migraine and I wouldn't change a thing. Not even the speeding ticket. I was due anyway - it's been over 15 years :)

I contacted Slightly Stoopid's management company Friday morning to see if cameras were allowed because the venue website didn't specify. I have been in contact with him before over the past year - my friend Dan originally reached out to them to see if they could do anything to cheer us up last fall. After all, Kyle (one of the two lead guys of Stoopid) held up a line for 5-10 minutes talking to Billy Jo at their August 2012 concert, just weeks before she ended up in the hospital.

Anyway, I figured the easiest way to find out was to ask him about the camera policy. He said to be safe he was going to give me a photo pass. A photo pass gave me access between the barrier and the stage, where you always see security standing. It was the closest I have ever been at a concert. At one point, due to the shape of the stage, I was even behind Kyle. Brian was front row too, so all was good.

I took about 650 pics. Most sucked. I don't know what I'm doing and I didn't have a pro camera. But some did come out fairly well. Here they are. If the slideshow doesn't load the direct link is here.

Here's a video I took of a few encore songs. Sound cuts in and out because I was WAY too close to the speaker stacks :)

It was an experience I am sure to remember a long time. Another successful fuckit list item! Big thanks to Chris at their management company for the hookup!

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Now onto the RAGBRAI update. They did the wristband lottery draw this morning. Every year there are more people wanting to participate in the week-long ride than there are spots available, so they hold a lottery. Not being picked doesn't mean you cannot secure one, but you have to buy it on the secondary market. Well, I got an email with my wristband number, so I am in. No stressing about getting one later :)

This is a good time to remind you that I will be covering my bike in names for the RAGBRAI ride, like I did last time. If you know someone who is fighting, in remission or cured, or who passed away from cancer and you would like to let me know their name, I will print it on a label, stick it on my bike, and they will ride with me across Iowa in July. Just fill out this short form. There are over 100 names already.

Donations to Stand Up to Cancer are greatly appreciated but not required. I am trying to reach $15,000 by the end of the ride on July 27th. $2,100 to go :) Team Pedal Another Mile is #20 on their team list in terms of amount raised. Thanks to everyone who has donated - it means so much to me :) 

A trigger date, but the firing pin is missing.

Today would have been Billy Jo and my 15th wedding anniversary. In early March I was beginning to worry a bit about it. Would that be a meltdown day? After all, the last time I had a meltdown (or really, any type of sadness) was her birthday, and it was not pretty. I was fine the next day, so I knew even if it were bad on 4/25 I'd be fine 4/26. It didn't stop my concern in early March though.

What did stop it was the speaker at one of the bereavement workshops. He talked, as if reading my mind that night, about how many people tell him that they spent 6-8 weeks worrying about a milestone date only to have it come and go without incident. They said they felt bad for giving it so much attention and emotion leading up to it, and for it to be okay once it was upon them. Wasted emotions, wasted worry. It was that moment I stopped all thought about it, and I've been that way since.

As this week started, I knew today was coming. I'm still doing well...I didn't anticipate any issues. Regardless, I decided I wanted to do something nice for someone on this day. It would make me feel good and as a bonus to feeling good I was "hedging my bets" that I'd be ok. I can't be miserable if I do something that makes someone happy, right? 

While in Florida I had sent Billy Jo's doctor offices and staff thank you notes.  I feel that wasn't satisfactory enough. I've been home long enough, enough time has passed, I wanted to really show my appreciation.

Yesterday I picked up gift cards for Panera and delivered them to the Palliative Care office, the chemo infusion center nurses, and the oncologist office. I wrote in the cards how thankful I was for everything they did and that I wanted them to have breakfast or lunch (or both) on me, with the stipulation that they do it today. While no one I knew was available in the Palliative Care office, I spoke at great lengths with one of the oncologist nurses whom I knew well, and two of the infusion center nurses. They were so happy and thankful, and this in turn made my day :)

Yesterday was also the first time I was back at Central DuPage Hospital since the day we left there to transition Billy Jo into hospice care, seven months ago. There were so many bad days filled with bad news over the years in this place. Too many to count.

But guess what? I had zero issues. Zero. I could have been walking into a place I've never been before. That's how little effect it had on me. I knew right then that I'd be fine today. If a building full of those kind of memories doesn't trigger anything, a day on a calendar sure as shit isn't going to.

Today consisted of work, leaving a bit early so ComEd could pick up my energy sucking garage refrigerator ($50!), the first yard work of the year, and in a few hours I will meet friends for dinner. It's a good day. A normal day. I'm typing this at 3:30 pm because I am confident the rest of the day will be just fine.

I am pretty certain I am totally past the grief stage now. There still might be a pang of it now and then in my future... who knows. If there is I'll deal with it. I miss her, but I can do so without grieving. I just miss her, nothing else. Being depressed about it isn't going to bring her back, it would just hurt me. I don't want that. She certainly didn't want that.

That being said, I will keep working with my therapist and see what lies ahead for me. There's plenty to talk about, and I like how our sessions are not totally about bereavement, grief, death, etc. I really am glad I decided to go. I no doubt still have challenges facing me - continuing to see her can only help me in all aspects of my life from here on out.

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I rode my bike Monday 26 miles. Tuesday it rained AGAIN. Yesterday I decided it was time to really start training - I did a ride solely for the hills. Yes, there are two hills in NE Illinois, and as luck would have it they're a little over a mile apart. This allowed me to go up each five times. I froze my ass off (it was about 45 and windy) but I felt great afterwards. I needed some no-thinking, leg-murdering, heart rate rocketing bicycle riding, and it delivered. No, my max HR was not 221 as the data shows... the wind sometimes causes the monitor to malfunction. At the 221 point I was going downhill at 35mph into the wind. Looking at the data, 202 seems like it was the max on that ride. Still crazy, but not "my heart is going to explode out of my chest" crazy. It was only for a few seconds. I can do 185 for an hour. 202 for a few minutes ain't shit.

It feels so strange to not be concerned about wind at all and actively seeking out hills that I dreaded doing (even once) two years ago. Unless there's lightning and tornados the entire week of RAGBRAI, it will likely be much easier than last time. I am in a much different frame of mind. "I can't" is losing it's grip on me really really fucking quick.

Introduction to the "fuckit" list.

I typed quite a long post on the Squarespace iPad app as I flew back home from a weekend in Denver, a weekend I planned about 6-7 weeks ago after giving it, oh... about 5-10 minutes total thought.  I had such a great time, and there's nothing I would have rather done this weekend. 

Of course, the app shit the bed and with it went my saved draft. Squarespace really doesn't know what the term "saved" means. It's quite irritating. This means I will have to rewrite it all, and I am sure it won't be the masterpiece I had worked on earlier. ;) I write what is going through my head, and that's never the same...that's for sure. Oh well.

Anyway, that being said...

I think I blogged back in early March that I made an impromptu decision to go see my favorite band, Slightly Stoopid, play in Colorado. I had never been to Colorado (landing but never getting off the plane enroute to elsewhere doesn't count).  I had always wanted to see a concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater...ANY concert. Now I had the opportunity to go to Colorado, go to Red Rocks, and on top of it all see my favorite band perform there. Things became serious when I checked airfare and saw it was $146 r/t all taxes and fees included. Hotel was cheap, car rental was cheap. The concert was sold out so the ticket price was not cheap, but overall this could be a fun and memorable weekend for relatively little cost. 

Would the old me have done such a thing? Hard to say, but I doubt it. At times where I wasn't depressed or miserable or stressed enough to actually allowed myself to dream about doing things like this, they remained just that - dreams. I'd also be worrying about things that could go wrong, and likely talk myself out of an idea like this just as quickly as it appeared. But that was the old me. The new me isn't thinking about such things. I know there will be setbacks, things not going the way I had planned or envisioned, and even outright failures in my future. It's inevitable. In fact, it's already happened to the new me. But, I am not going to let the mere possibility of something not working out the way I wanted stop me from trying. The only thing worse than failing is regret you didn't even give yourself an opportunity to fail. There's no lesson to be learned when that happens. I look at every setback now as something to learn from, not pity over. Setbacks and failures will not block my path. If they persist, I'll just forge a new path around them. Time to bust out my favorite saying again:

During those 5-10 minutes of thought the only reason to not say fuckit and go was that I'd likely be going alone. I've never gone to a concert by myself before. I've never gone on a "vacation" alone before. But you know what? I did the first five days of RAGBRAI in 2011 without knowing a single person. I thankfully have no problems meeting new people and getting along with them. Shit, if I could do it 24 hours a day for the first five days of a bike ride (Billy Jo, Tanya, and Dan were around for me the last three), then 53 hours in Denver would be a piece of cake. As it turned out I didn't have to go by myself :). More on that later.

So I booked the airfare and committed to going. My "fuckit list" was born. I had never heard of the term before my friend Tracy introduced me to it. It's different from a bucket list in that those are usually much more grand...they may take a lot of thought, emotion, time, and/or money. A fuckit list by definition is usually empty until well... it isn't. It is very impromptu and something you know you really really should do and not give much thought to. That you know you'll enjoy yourself and the memories you get as a result. You commit to it and figure out the details later. That's how I view it anyway. It's whatever you interpret it as, but it's something everyone should have. I'm now convinced of it.

I think Billy Jo would be very happy at the way I have been doing. Happy I am embracing life and what it brings. Living. I only wish I had discovered this attitude earlier. I would have liked to been a better and more positive person like this for her in the year leading up to when she got sick in September, instead of being pretty much at my lowest. It would have been nice to have given her that because I think I am much more capable at handling things now, and also because it would have showed her without a doubt that I was going to be okay. I know she was worried about me after she was gone. She gave me specific instructions of things she wanted me to do and not do, and they all arrived at the same point - do not mourn me...do not put your life on hold one minute longer...live and be happy. I'm doing that, and you know what makes it feel even better? I am doing it for me first and foremost, not solely because it's what she wanted.

Back to the trip... I booked this trip knowing there was a very good chance I'd be going alone. Turns out I wouldn't be. I introduced Tracy to Slightly Stoopid last fall with a facebook post. She loved them and wanted to see them next time they came to Chicago. Well, that was March, and she had another concert to go to that night. So, she asked if I'd go with her a few days before the Chicago show to see them in Milwaukee. Honestly, that was my first fuckit list thing - it was in Milwaukee on a Thursday night and there was no taking work off Friday. Again, I'm glad I decided to go. The show was great and we ended up front row center for it.

Anyway, it turns out that all that I needed to have a companion with me for Colorado was for her to buy her significant other (who had absolutely zero desire to go to Colorado) a new bowling ball, and for her to gather the courage to invite herself onto my fuckit list. I thought it was a great idea. We get along great - the great thing about her is that the way I look at life now is the way she's been living hers all along. It didn't take a tragedy for her to see that life should be lived to the fullest. I admire that. I wish I had been this way a long time ago. In my new life I am a sucker for quotes and sayings, that's why I love the WheelBrothers website. Tracy is chock full of them. It's impossible to not look at life favorably when you're around her. So thanks to her being in a loving and trusting relationship, her love for Slightly Stoopid, her willingness to buy a bowling ball, and above all a very healthy fuckit list, I was not doing Colorado alone :). 

Here's the pictures from the weekend. I'm sure it will take a while to load. Also, if you're on a smartphone or tablet it may not work. In that case they can be found by clicking here.

The entire weekend was awesome. We landed about noon, headed straight to bad food at Casa Bonita for lunch (but hey, there was cliff divers!). After that was a bar before heading to dinner Friday night with friends I know that live in the area, followed by a few of us walking all over Golden looking for statues for me to molest. Saturday was breakfast, then a nap, then the Coors Brewery tour complete with free beer. After the tour was a dinner that more than made up for the previous day's lunch. I tried something I never thought I'd do - I tried bleu cheese on a steak. I despise bleu cheese. It smells like the pink sawdust they'd spread on puke in grade school hallways. Surprisingly I loved it. I guess it's only gross when it's away from a hunk of cow.

After that it was time for the concert. Red Rocks was everything I hoped it would be and then some. That place has ruined me for life in terms of places to see a concert. I am not sure it can be topped. It is jawdropping. It was cold, but I didn't give a shit. Thankfully it only rained about ten minutes. Once Slightly Stoopid took the stage I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  After the concert we needed to eat Jack in the Box tacos, since they're nowhere to be found around here.

Sunday was a tasty breakfast (coconut pecan pancakes), we got evicted from the hotel (ok it was checkout time), and went up Lookout Mountain. Seems to be a very popular road for cyclists - there were dozens of them. I'm not sure I could make it, but I decided I want to come back and try. 1,219 feet of climb in 4.6 miles. Oof. Try, indeed.

On top of Lookout Mountain was the Buffalo Bill museum and grave site. We hung out around there for awhile and then went back down to Golden for lunch. I had a delicious burger and then it was already time to head to the airport.

That was the trip. Great from start to finish. I am so glad I decided to say fuckit. Spending the equivalent amount of money on "stuff" would not have made me as happy as the experiences I had this weekend. I can't think of a single physical item I would rather have. The experiences and memories are way more valuable to me. I am really tired of "stuff". I'm still thinning out my possessions. It's a long process but it is a worthwhile one.

In closing, fuckit lists are good. Get one. Mine was blank for a few hours. Saturday morning Brian and I will drive to Nashville where we will see Slightly Stoopid that night. Wake up in the morning and drive back. Hey it's only 7.5 hours or so each way, and my new car can get there on less than a 14 gallon tank. I think this will be the last time I see them this tour. The closest they come back in the summer is Des Moines in August. I'll likely be going there at least. The tour ends in late August on Cocoa Beach, just north of my Florida stomping grounds. I can't rule that one out either :)

Okay, it's time to end this post and find a dump to sleep in for a few hours Saturday night.

Fuckit. :)

Zen takes a backseat and reality sadly comes to the rescue

At work, I've been letting cracks appear in my Zen the last week or so. Not sure why. Maybe it's the time of the fiscal year for that, the extra workload and stress it brings. Not sure. Maybe as I further settle into my new life I realize things can't ALWAYS be puppies and rainbows, no matter how changed I am. Maybe it's something else.

Today Zen at Work took the day off. Shitty, shitty day. While I still handled it better than I would have last year, it flat out SUCKED, and I let it get to me.

To think I was bitching to my boss about how shitty it was at the exact time those bombs went off is a much needed reality check.  

A reality check I am very sad yet very thankful for today.

Live for today.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Live for today.

Don't put anything off because you'll get around to it later.

Live for today.

There are dozens, hundreds... of people in Boston, and their families, that would give ANYTHING to have the day at work I did. There are thousands of other people on their deathbeds everywhere that would give ANYTHING to have the day at work I did.

Live for today.

Live for today, because there are absolutely no fucking guarantees tomorrow is going to happen.

Live for today.

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To the people affected by the bombings today I offer my sincere condolences. You and your families are in my thoughts. This can be an ugly fucking world.

In times of ugliness like this though, you also see the good. Strangers helping strangers out of immediate harm's way. First responders, even after 9/11, still running directly towards you, the same you who may be running away from something for fear of your life. They go right past you into hell because that's what they do. Thank you.

Lastly, to the people who have (shockingly) already politicized this tragedy, well... shame on you. This will change nothing for your "side", whichever "side" you happen to be on. The blood wasn't even dry and my Facebook newsfeed already turned ugly, as I knew it would. The speed shocked the shit out of me, however. I thought I wouldn't see anything for a day or two. 

But guess what?? Only my work zen cracked open today. The rest of it is A-OK and I am as calm as I can be as I remove you from my friends list. Yes, you have a right to your opinion and your right to freely say what you want. But I have a right to not see it. Life is too short to hate the other "side", especially when it takes someone who doesn't give a fuck anymore to realize how similar the "sides" are. There is no place for negativity like this in my life anymore. So, I'm sorry, but I am electing to...

You know :)